Who am I? - Part 4
Hello all,
Namaste! Hope all of you had a fantastic week, where you were able to analyze the way we have been conditioned through our own DNA, our ancestral patterns, familial as well as social conditioning. Yes, we are indeed prisoners to all of these. But, the sad part is many times we are not even remotely aware of it. All these patterns and conditioning are embedded subconsciously. So, how can we aware of that which operates subconsciously, when during the day we are operating from our conscious mind?
If we are sitting in the front porch of the house, how do we know things happening in the backyard? Same with our patterns, behaviors, and conditioning. We are operating from our conscious mind, which is around 10-20% of our life, while 90-80% we behave subconsciously. Same way in Vedic Astrology, there are twelve houses. The subconscious is signified by the twelfth house. The blind spot of the chart is the twelfth house, something like our own back of our head. Can we see what happens at the back of our head?
The ascendant (querent) can see everything except the twelfth house, their subconscious for this life. This is where we have patterns, behaviors, attitudes, and perspectives, that seep into our lives through our own subconscious, even without us realizing. So, last week's post was truly about the realm of the subconscious mind, the 'Powerhouse' of our life.
But sometimes in life, some tough life experiences bring one to their knees, there is no other way than for them to 'look within' to find answers. Usually, this is after trying to find answers outside for a really long time. Yes, I also tried to find answers outside for 15-20 years. As this post may need references to my own experiences, once in a while I would delve into my own experiences, to argue a point.
Everyday life: Usually we humans go on living our life with our everyday activities, opinions, and attitudes. We grow up, go to school, college, and later make a career. Later we marry, have kids, watch the news, read newspapers, attend functions, like this life proceeds. We also in-between pursue religious activities or ceremonies like weddings, first communions, Upanayanams (thread ceremony for Hindus), funerals and more.
The major part of our lives is taken care by our subconscious mind. We breathe, our hearts beat, our minds think, we walk, talk, and do every activity without much conscious effort. But we actually only notice the conscious things, never the subconscious or unconscious things. Just from that point think, aren't every one of us a walking/talking miracle? We have so many activities happening in our body that we are not even aware of, but we use every bit of our mind to pursue whatever our 10-20% of mind asks us to do.
So, like this, we live our life, like any other normal human being lives. Nothing much occurring and nothing much happening. Then one day...
A major life crisis: Usually things would go normally like that and suddenly a major life crisis would happen. It can be the loss of a job one was having for thirty years where a person becomes tied up to the home nowhere to go, a sudden very major serious illness that requires hospitalization, a prison sentence where the person goes to prison, being in the bed for a pretty long time due to a disease or the death of a parent. Something that hits a person as a big blow in their face.
It can be anything underneath the Sun, that makes a person stop the everyday normal activities. Only many times it hits like a truckload of bricks on the head. For me, it was not a truckload at a stretch. It was more of languishing in a stagnant career, that any which way I tried, was not able to revive. Even that can happen. We are thinking this is right for us, and we keep on pursuing till it is even more dead than the very death. We pursue it, until there is no shred of life in it. Basically dead energy!
So for me, it was pursuing Biotechnology. Even though I earned three Masters, my Biotech career of twenty years was laden with breaks, not able to work due to visa status, even after having a visa not finding a position. Finally applying for my third Masters, taking a break in-between of 1.5 years to have my second child, again coming back to it. Finally finishing the Masters, but not able to find a great job, as I had to find a position nearby due to my young kids. The positions I would be in was lab assistant positions that paid a pittance compared to the jobs I could have had, if I was ready for 1-1.5 hours of commute.
Then the question becomes who would pick up the kids from the bus stop, who would take care of them after school and would they be safe. So the jobs, actually two of them was very low paying jobs. The first one was for one year. After that, I didn't find another job soon. So, I had to volunteer for six months without any pay. Then I got another one year position. Even though this position started great, after six months I had to deal with some contamination issues. Mind you, till that time in my nineteen years of Biotech career I have always fixed contamination issues, not created them.
Contamination is, on our bacterial or human cell growing Petri dishes, other cells like yeast or fungus grow that destroys our experiments, criteria, values, time, effort, and a lot of dissatisfaction, as we are not able to perform the experiment or get the result. Basically trying to fix the problem so that you can continue your experiments. Already I was upset with having a very low paying position and not with a good designation as well. Also in this position, I was supposed to swipe in and swipe out exactly my eight hours. All the others in the laboratory got to come and go at flexible timing. But I was asked to come at the very correct time. If I was five minutes off, I was marked late. The minutes they considered so minutely never showed up in my paycheck.
Also, as I was assured of this position before it really came into existence I had actually volunteered for this manager around four months free of any charge. So, above this, I was getting contamination issues. This made the manager for whom I had volunteered free of charge, upset. The person stopped talking or interacting with me. I was a useless piece of junk in that person's eyes. I was not communicated what experiments I should do, what are the objectives or what should be the expected result. I was not being called for laboratory meetings. That shows how a person can give a cold shoulder to another one.
I was 'excommunicated' from lab activities. The person also called me and scolded me in front of another person. The voice still rings in my mind, "How can you call yourself a Masters if you don't even know basic Science?" Here, give attention to the four months, I worked free of charge. That all flew out of the window. Remember, I am the person who pursued Science due to my pure passion for it. And here is a person who was asking me a question about the very identity I had built for twenty years.
Already, I had started thinking around one year back what is the point of growing cells in a Petri-dish? How is it really adding value to my life? Am I sentenced to have very low paying jobs for my life? What is the point of all this research? Where is it really taking me? Why doesn't Science research makes no sense anymore? I was basically losing interest. Above this, another person is asking me, 'Why I am even saying myself a Masters'?
You see, I used to give too much value to the degrees I had earned. Something solid to show, yes, I have put in effort and discipline and made something for myself. That attachment to the external validation, that is the first thing that needs to go. So, I was asked by Brahman as another person, why are you saying yourself a Masters? But when I was asked that question at that time I was so dejected, that day I went home very sad. I had two more months of the project remaining, which I did by swiping in and out exactly for eight hours, sitting in front of my computer, reading about some random Science journals, having no access to the culture room (where cells are grown) or to lab meetings. A very pathetic low existence from a Scientist's point of view!
The tunnel: Remember, the tunnel I had mentioned in my last post. I had entered the tunnel at that time, where nothing made any sense anymore. My tunnel was for my career. Why am I pursuing Science? What is the point of all these experiments? Why should I pursue research and Science, if the experiments are going to be sitting in some books in some library in some University? I love interacting with people. Being a Scientist, I am tied up to a laboratory where I have no interaction with people. Why, why and why? What is the point of all this? Rushing out of home at 6.15 am so that I can swipe before 7am. During the winter months, it was cold. My hands and feet would feel cold and frozen inside the car. I am in a rush to reach the building, park, rush to the third story, and swipe before 7am. My kids would be sleeping and I don't even see their face before they go to school. I used to properly see them only in the evening.
Above this, a manager who was throwing questions at me that is shaking the very base of the identity I was standing. This loss of our own persona, which we have made carefully for us breaking down totally is called, 'the tunnel'. For me, it happened for my career. For some, it happens in their life, as debilitating disease, death in the family, loss of a job, or some other major incident. Suddenly they have to figure out a way for themselves. Usually, it hits the human as a major crisis in their life.
For me, even after that particular job, I could not find a proper position. With all these questions in my mind, I kept on applying to positions, calling up recruiters, going for career fairs and more. But I was looking only in a specific locale thinking about my kids as well. So, literally, my persona of a Scientist was getting torn down.
That was the identity I had built from my eighteenth year onwards. Think about it. Your whole identity is getting torn down. Physically I was totally okay, going for walks, taking care of my children, cooking, cleaning, taking care of home, sending resumes, calling recruiters and more. But in my mind, I was in the middle of a terrible tempest of the highest kind. Literally, the question came again and again and stood in front of my face. 'Who am I? Who am I? Who am I'?
Some people at this stage can even without venturing into the tunnel take their own lives being dejected to their very core. Suddenly life becomes meaningless. The identity being torn down is the one we made from a very young age. That is all we know. Yes, we are the particular name, born into a particular family, hold this particular job, works in this particular company. Can you see a pattern here? Every single identity being described here is from the outside, whether the job being held, the career we have or the family we are born into. Nothing came from within us. We were fortunate or not to be born into a family, we took a career of our choice or a job we want. All external validations.
This is what is being torn apart. At that time I was fortunate enough to come across a book in the library. Books had always been my saving grace. The book was called 'The dark night of the Soul' by Dr. Gerald G. May. My Scientist mind didn't want to read any book written by someone other than a proper Psychiatrist. That day I came across the perspective of a dark tunnel or night a Soul has to go through, where nothing makes sense, not even the life one is living.
The dark night of the Soul: This is one of the toughest travel any Soul would take in any lifetime. It is not at all necessary that a Soul has to go through it every lifetime. They may not at all go through one in the current lifetime. I was purely lucky to come across a book like that during one of the toughest time of my life. Total divine guidance. This was in early 2015. My previous job had ended in December 2013. So already one year had passed in between. No luck with job, career, or anything of that sort. I was totally dumbfounded with a hurricane in my mind.
So, one day randomly I decided, instead of sitting at home, let me go to the library. Maybe I can get some books that would help me to decide. I remember it was a nice sunny day, but cold, as it was January or February. I went to the nearby library. I always liked to go to the Philosophy/Spirituality/ Religion section, never to the Science section. Of course, the answer was right in front of my eyes, but never realizing it.
I went to that section started looking through the section. I didn't get anything interesting to read. Most of the books were on Religion. I didn't want to read books on any religion. I wanted answers. But, I was even not sure what was the proper question to ask. Give it a thought. Not knowing what really I should look for to read. Just randomly going through the books. Then suddenly a book with a deep blue cover caught my eye. The cover of the book was really deep blue, the color of a deep, calm sky/ocean. Somehow I felt drawn to this book. 'The dark night of the Soul'. Okay, here is a word 'Soul' in it. My interest was tickled.
Anyway, I borrowed the book, went home and started reading. This book was a Psychiatrist point of view, how a major incident in life can tear apart a person's identity and how they feel lost totally without a firm ground to stand on. Because before that life event, the person had created a persona or identity for themselves, which is a very far cry from who they really are. Many times in life, our heart says one thing and our mind says another thing. We put our thinking cap on and rationalize everything and go with the mind. But the Soul or heart sitting within doesn't want anything to do with it. So, it nudges us slightly here and there. We don't listen or care. We are totally in pursuit of what our mind asks us to do.
One day the Soul decides, "that is it. I have to take this person to task to make them aware". As we discussed before the Souls come to this plane with previously made 'Soul Contracts'. These contracts include other Souls who ask the question of "What Masters are you?" or they pass away from life as loved ones, or come as Policemen clasping hand-cuffs on people or if nothing works even takes the Soul away from the very life itself. Anything is possible. The Soul is only concerned about the lessons it came to learn. Nothing else matters to it, whether we have a close family, we are pursuing a great or awful career, we are just a kid/youth learning our ropes at life. Nothing! From its point of view, the only thing that matters is, lessons of compassion, love, Self-worth, decency or to work away from the Karma of greed, jealousy, attitude, pride, ego, or other vices. It just comes to learn and become as close to the 'divine light' as possible, one step each lifetime.
So, it was written in this book that many times the person's identity is stripped and they don't feel they have any ground underneath their feet. Nothing makes any sense anymore. Of course, this usually is in a very particular area of life. For me, it showed up in my area of career. My close family, friends and everyone was okay. But my career and what I was doing for my own life was not at all okay. As I said, this is one of the darkest and toughest journeys a Soul would ever take. Some people cannot handle this darkest of the night in a Soul's life. People can become depressed, addicted to alcohol or drugs, become vagabonds, homeless, without parents, people like Jesus can go to the desert and any number of scenarios can unfold. Even take their own life without any meaning or purpose to go on for another day.
It is basically whatever one knew till then as their own life does not make any sense. Because whatever they built till that point was from their mind. The Soul had absolutely no hand in it. In some cases, the Soul also needed to go through those lessons before bringing the person to this point in life. So, basically we cannot generalize and each Soul or person's life is different. For me, it showed up as twenty years of breaks, low paying jobs, angry bosses, moving to another country, not able to work due to visa issues, lonely times at home, who to pick up my kids after school and more.
Spiritual Growth: At that time external validation or external advice doesn't do anything. Already one's external life doesn't make any sense. So, what would advise on external things, do? Nothing. The only thing that one can do is, ask within and search for answers. So, this book helped me to believe myself that- 'I am not going mentally crazy'. There were times I thought, maybe I need to contact a Psychologist. It was just divine grace that I didn't, as a Psychologist could have wrongly diagnosed me and given medicines to really interfere in my own natural Soul evolution.
Remember, my last job ended in late 2013. I got this particular book in early 2015. By then already one year had passed. This book showed me, 'No, I am not crazy. Yes, I have to ask within. No, my answer is not yet ready. Yes, I have to explore more.' So, anyone who thinks their life doesn't make any sense at this point, I recommend reading it. As of now, I don't remember the exact details. But it did help me to hang from a tiny thread of hope, that yes there is indeed 'light at the end of the tunnel' and some answer would come up eventually.
Even at this point, the 'crazy me' kept on sending resumes every other month, calling up recruiters, and looking for Biotech opportunities online. It was back and forth. Explore within and go back to Biotech. Leave everything for one month. Then, again apply for jobs, nothing. Again explore within. Glad that I literally didn't go crazy, now able to look back and laugh at it. But at that time it was a very painful experience. You would have had no idea if you had met me at that time. Outside I was always a friendly, normal person. But when I was alone, a mental hurricane that destroyed everything, every shred of my professional identity was happening.
So, finally, this tunnel or 'Dark night of the Soul' lasted for me from late 2013 to early 2017. Three to three and a half years! The only people whom I drove crazy was my spouse, my parents and once in a while my siblings. They took the brunt of it. It was complaints, regrets, disappointments, and whining galore. Happy that my family stood strong along with me, while I was figuring out what to do with my career. Thank you all!!
Unfortunately, not all are blessed like that. People fall off their wagon of life, many times not able to recover again. This post is particularly for them, who have lost all hope in their life. Hang in there! There is a tunnel called the 'dark night of the Soul' and there is indeed light after you make it through the tunnel. As I went through it, today I am able to help a few Souls on Quora or in real life, who are living a life where they are struggling to find meaning.
Remember, this life as a human being is a very precious gift graced by the divine, which is the only existence on this Earth realm, where a person can contemplate, think about themselves, and become Self-aware. No other life, whether of a cat, dog, lion, tiger or even a chimpanzee can reach the highest levels of Self-awareness. Only a human can. So, hang in there! You will eventually figure it out!
Next, week, in the 'Who am I' series, how the tunnel led me to the next stage of figuring out who truly 'am I'. Hope this post would be a matchstick for a few Souls who are in the middle of a 'Dark night of the Soul' and find the tunnel really dark, long, and pitch black. You would be truly amazed at what lies at the other end of the tunnel! My true empathies are with you! Let the divine lead you to your own beautiful light of knowledge!
I wish you a good weekend and I'll see you next Friday!😉
Next week: Who am I? - Part 5
Note: Images from Pixabay.com
Ralph Waldo Emerson writes, "There is a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance ; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better for worse as his portion that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried".
All rights reserved to Jayasree Padmanabhan and SwaroopaBlog.
To my Blog readers: As all of you know, the European Union has passed laws regarding the collection of the user data. This is just to inform all my EU blog readers, I just use Google Analytics, which Google provides, to look at from where readers are reading my blogs. I also use Specific feeds to use their service for subscription list. I don't collect or intend to collect user data to sell or provide to third-party applications. Regards,
SwaroopaBlog.
Namaste! Hope all of you had a fantastic week, where you were able to analyze the way we have been conditioned through our own DNA, our ancestral patterns, familial as well as social conditioning. Yes, we are indeed prisoners to all of these. But, the sad part is many times we are not even remotely aware of it. All these patterns and conditioning are embedded subconsciously. So, how can we aware of that which operates subconsciously, when during the day we are operating from our conscious mind?
If we are sitting in the front porch of the house, how do we know things happening in the backyard? Same with our patterns, behaviors, and conditioning. We are operating from our conscious mind, which is around 10-20% of our life, while 90-80% we behave subconsciously. Same way in Vedic Astrology, there are twelve houses. The subconscious is signified by the twelfth house. The blind spot of the chart is the twelfth house, something like our own back of our head. Can we see what happens at the back of our head?
The ascendant (querent) can see everything except the twelfth house, their subconscious for this life. This is where we have patterns, behaviors, attitudes, and perspectives, that seep into our lives through our own subconscious, even without us realizing. So, last week's post was truly about the realm of the subconscious mind, the 'Powerhouse' of our life.
But sometimes in life, some tough life experiences bring one to their knees, there is no other way than for them to 'look within' to find answers. Usually, this is after trying to find answers outside for a really long time. Yes, I also tried to find answers outside for 15-20 years. As this post may need references to my own experiences, once in a while I would delve into my own experiences, to argue a point.
Everyday life: Usually we humans go on living our life with our everyday activities, opinions, and attitudes. We grow up, go to school, college, and later make a career. Later we marry, have kids, watch the news, read newspapers, attend functions, like this life proceeds. We also in-between pursue religious activities or ceremonies like weddings, first communions, Upanayanams (thread ceremony for Hindus), funerals and more.
The major part of our lives is taken care by our subconscious mind. We breathe, our hearts beat, our minds think, we walk, talk, and do every activity without much conscious effort. But we actually only notice the conscious things, never the subconscious or unconscious things. Just from that point think, aren't every one of us a walking/talking miracle? We have so many activities happening in our body that we are not even aware of, but we use every bit of our mind to pursue whatever our 10-20% of mind asks us to do.
 |
| A glimpse of everyday life! Image courtesy- Pixabay.com |
So, like this, we live our life, like any other normal human being lives. Nothing much occurring and nothing much happening. Then one day...
A major life crisis: Usually things would go normally like that and suddenly a major life crisis would happen. It can be the loss of a job one was having for thirty years where a person becomes tied up to the home nowhere to go, a sudden very major serious illness that requires hospitalization, a prison sentence where the person goes to prison, being in the bed for a pretty long time due to a disease or the death of a parent. Something that hits a person as a big blow in their face.
It can be anything underneath the Sun, that makes a person stop the everyday normal activities. Only many times it hits like a truckload of bricks on the head. For me, it was not a truckload at a stretch. It was more of languishing in a stagnant career, that any which way I tried, was not able to revive. Even that can happen. We are thinking this is right for us, and we keep on pursuing till it is even more dead than the very death. We pursue it, until there is no shred of life in it. Basically dead energy!
So for me, it was pursuing Biotechnology. Even though I earned three Masters, my Biotech career of twenty years was laden with breaks, not able to work due to visa status, even after having a visa not finding a position. Finally applying for my third Masters, taking a break in-between of 1.5 years to have my second child, again coming back to it. Finally finishing the Masters, but not able to find a great job, as I had to find a position nearby due to my young kids. The positions I would be in was lab assistant positions that paid a pittance compared to the jobs I could have had, if I was ready for 1-1.5 hours of commute.
Then the question becomes who would pick up the kids from the bus stop, who would take care of them after school and would they be safe. So the jobs, actually two of them was very low paying jobs. The first one was for one year. After that, I didn't find another job soon. So, I had to volunteer for six months without any pay. Then I got another one year position. Even though this position started great, after six months I had to deal with some contamination issues. Mind you, till that time in my nineteen years of Biotech career I have always fixed contamination issues, not created them.
Contamination is, on our bacterial or human cell growing Petri dishes, other cells like yeast or fungus grow that destroys our experiments, criteria, values, time, effort, and a lot of dissatisfaction, as we are not able to perform the experiment or get the result. Basically trying to fix the problem so that you can continue your experiments. Already I was upset with having a very low paying position and not with a good designation as well. Also in this position, I was supposed to swipe in and swipe out exactly my eight hours. All the others in the laboratory got to come and go at flexible timing. But I was asked to come at the very correct time. If I was five minutes off, I was marked late. The minutes they considered so minutely never showed up in my paycheck.
Also, as I was assured of this position before it really came into existence I had actually volunteered for this manager around four months free of any charge. So, above this, I was getting contamination issues. This made the manager for whom I had volunteered free of charge, upset. The person stopped talking or interacting with me. I was a useless piece of junk in that person's eyes. I was not communicated what experiments I should do, what are the objectives or what should be the expected result. I was not being called for laboratory meetings. That shows how a person can give a cold shoulder to another one.
I was 'excommunicated' from lab activities. The person also called me and scolded me in front of another person. The voice still rings in my mind, "How can you call yourself a Masters if you don't even know basic Science?" Here, give attention to the four months, I worked free of charge. That all flew out of the window. Remember, I am the person who pursued Science due to my pure passion for it. And here is a person who was asking me a question about the very identity I had built for twenty years.
Already, I had started thinking around one year back what is the point of growing cells in a Petri-dish? How is it really adding value to my life? Am I sentenced to have very low paying jobs for my life? What is the point of all this research? Where is it really taking me? Why doesn't Science research makes no sense anymore? I was basically losing interest. Above this, another person is asking me, 'Why I am even saying myself a Masters'?
 |
| A major crisis (hurricane) in life! Image courtey - Pixabay.com |
You see, I used to give too much value to the degrees I had earned. Something solid to show, yes, I have put in effort and discipline and made something for myself. That attachment to the external validation, that is the first thing that needs to go. So, I was asked by Brahman as another person, why are you saying yourself a Masters? But when I was asked that question at that time I was so dejected, that day I went home very sad. I had two more months of the project remaining, which I did by swiping in and out exactly for eight hours, sitting in front of my computer, reading about some random Science journals, having no access to the culture room (where cells are grown) or to lab meetings. A very pathetic low existence from a Scientist's point of view!
The tunnel: Remember, the tunnel I had mentioned in my last post. I had entered the tunnel at that time, where nothing made any sense anymore. My tunnel was for my career. Why am I pursuing Science? What is the point of all these experiments? Why should I pursue research and Science, if the experiments are going to be sitting in some books in some library in some University? I love interacting with people. Being a Scientist, I am tied up to a laboratory where I have no interaction with people. Why, why and why? What is the point of all this? Rushing out of home at 6.15 am so that I can swipe before 7am. During the winter months, it was cold. My hands and feet would feel cold and frozen inside the car. I am in a rush to reach the building, park, rush to the third story, and swipe before 7am. My kids would be sleeping and I don't even see their face before they go to school. I used to properly see them only in the evening.
Above this, a manager who was throwing questions at me that is shaking the very base of the identity I was standing. This loss of our own persona, which we have made carefully for us breaking down totally is called, 'the tunnel'. For me, it happened for my career. For some, it happens in their life, as debilitating disease, death in the family, loss of a job, or some other major incident. Suddenly they have to figure out a way for themselves. Usually, it hits the human as a major crisis in their life.
 |
| Tunnel or dark night of the Soul! Here, in this picture, we get light strips. But in real life, there would be no light or strip! Image courtesy - Pixabay.com |
For me, even after that particular job, I could not find a proper position. With all these questions in my mind, I kept on applying to positions, calling up recruiters, going for career fairs and more. But I was looking only in a specific locale thinking about my kids as well. So, literally, my persona of a Scientist was getting torn down.
That was the identity I had built from my eighteenth year onwards. Think about it. Your whole identity is getting torn down. Physically I was totally okay, going for walks, taking care of my children, cooking, cleaning, taking care of home, sending resumes, calling recruiters and more. But in my mind, I was in the middle of a terrible tempest of the highest kind. Literally, the question came again and again and stood in front of my face. 'Who am I? Who am I? Who am I'?
Some people at this stage can even without venturing into the tunnel take their own lives being dejected to their very core. Suddenly life becomes meaningless. The identity being torn down is the one we made from a very young age. That is all we know. Yes, we are the particular name, born into a particular family, hold this particular job, works in this particular company. Can you see a pattern here? Every single identity being described here is from the outside, whether the job being held, the career we have or the family we are born into. Nothing came from within us. We were fortunate or not to be born into a family, we took a career of our choice or a job we want. All external validations.
This is what is being torn apart. At that time I was fortunate enough to come across a book in the library. Books had always been my saving grace. The book was called 'The dark night of the Soul' by Dr. Gerald G. May. My Scientist mind didn't want to read any book written by someone other than a proper Psychiatrist. That day I came across the perspective of a dark tunnel or night a Soul has to go through, where nothing makes sense, not even the life one is living.
The dark night of the Soul: This is one of the toughest travel any Soul would take in any lifetime. It is not at all necessary that a Soul has to go through it every lifetime. They may not at all go through one in the current lifetime. I was purely lucky to come across a book like that during one of the toughest time of my life. Total divine guidance. This was in early 2015. My previous job had ended in December 2013. So already one year had passed in between. No luck with job, career, or anything of that sort. I was totally dumbfounded with a hurricane in my mind.
So, one day randomly I decided, instead of sitting at home, let me go to the library. Maybe I can get some books that would help me to decide. I remember it was a nice sunny day, but cold, as it was January or February. I went to the nearby library. I always liked to go to the Philosophy/Spirituality/ Religion section, never to the Science section. Of course, the answer was right in front of my eyes, but never realizing it.
I went to that section started looking through the section. I didn't get anything interesting to read. Most of the books were on Religion. I didn't want to read books on any religion. I wanted answers. But, I was even not sure what was the proper question to ask. Give it a thought. Not knowing what really I should look for to read. Just randomly going through the books. Then suddenly a book with a deep blue cover caught my eye. The cover of the book was really deep blue, the color of a deep, calm sky/ocean. Somehow I felt drawn to this book. 'The dark night of the Soul'. Okay, here is a word 'Soul' in it. My interest was tickled.
 |
| The darkest night of the Soul! Image Courtesy - Pixabay.com |
Anyway, I borrowed the book, went home and started reading. This book was a Psychiatrist point of view, how a major incident in life can tear apart a person's identity and how they feel lost totally without a firm ground to stand on. Because before that life event, the person had created a persona or identity for themselves, which is a very far cry from who they really are. Many times in life, our heart says one thing and our mind says another thing. We put our thinking cap on and rationalize everything and go with the mind. But the Soul or heart sitting within doesn't want anything to do with it. So, it nudges us slightly here and there. We don't listen or care. We are totally in pursuit of what our mind asks us to do.
One day the Soul decides, "that is it. I have to take this person to task to make them aware". As we discussed before the Souls come to this plane with previously made 'Soul Contracts'. These contracts include other Souls who ask the question of "What Masters are you?" or they pass away from life as loved ones, or come as Policemen clasping hand-cuffs on people or if nothing works even takes the Soul away from the very life itself. Anything is possible. The Soul is only concerned about the lessons it came to learn. Nothing else matters to it, whether we have a close family, we are pursuing a great or awful career, we are just a kid/youth learning our ropes at life. Nothing! From its point of view, the only thing that matters is, lessons of compassion, love, Self-worth, decency or to work away from the Karma of greed, jealousy, attitude, pride, ego, or other vices. It just comes to learn and become as close to the 'divine light' as possible, one step each lifetime.
So, it was written in this book that many times the person's identity is stripped and they don't feel they have any ground underneath their feet. Nothing makes any sense anymore. Of course, this usually is in a very particular area of life. For me, it showed up in my area of career. My close family, friends and everyone was okay. But my career and what I was doing for my own life was not at all okay. As I said, this is one of the darkest and toughest journeys a Soul would ever take. Some people cannot handle this darkest of the night in a Soul's life. People can become depressed, addicted to alcohol or drugs, become vagabonds, homeless, without parents, people like Jesus can go to the desert and any number of scenarios can unfold. Even take their own life without any meaning or purpose to go on for another day.
It is basically whatever one knew till then as their own life does not make any sense. Because whatever they built till that point was from their mind. The Soul had absolutely no hand in it. In some cases, the Soul also needed to go through those lessons before bringing the person to this point in life. So, basically we cannot generalize and each Soul or person's life is different. For me, it showed up as twenty years of breaks, low paying jobs, angry bosses, moving to another country, not able to work due to visa issues, lonely times at home, who to pick up my kids after school and more.
Spiritual Growth: At that time external validation or external advice doesn't do anything. Already one's external life doesn't make any sense. So, what would advise on external things, do? Nothing. The only thing that one can do is, ask within and search for answers. So, this book helped me to believe myself that- 'I am not going mentally crazy'. There were times I thought, maybe I need to contact a Psychologist. It was just divine grace that I didn't, as a Psychologist could have wrongly diagnosed me and given medicines to really interfere in my own natural Soul evolution.
Remember, my last job ended in late 2013. I got this particular book in early 2015. By then already one year had passed. This book showed me, 'No, I am not crazy. Yes, I have to ask within. No, my answer is not yet ready. Yes, I have to explore more.' So, anyone who thinks their life doesn't make any sense at this point, I recommend reading it. As of now, I don't remember the exact details. But it did help me to hang from a tiny thread of hope, that yes there is indeed 'light at the end of the tunnel' and some answer would come up eventually.
Even at this point, the 'crazy me' kept on sending resumes every other month, calling up recruiters, and looking for Biotech opportunities online. It was back and forth. Explore within and go back to Biotech. Leave everything for one month. Then, again apply for jobs, nothing. Again explore within. Glad that I literally didn't go crazy, now able to look back and laugh at it. But at that time it was a very painful experience. You would have had no idea if you had met me at that time. Outside I was always a friendly, normal person. But when I was alone, a mental hurricane that destroyed everything, every shred of my professional identity was happening.
So, finally, this tunnel or 'Dark night of the Soul' lasted for me from late 2013 to early 2017. Three to three and a half years! The only people whom I drove crazy was my spouse, my parents and once in a while my siblings. They took the brunt of it. It was complaints, regrets, disappointments, and whining galore. Happy that my family stood strong along with me, while I was figuring out what to do with my career. Thank you all!!
Unfortunately, not all are blessed like that. People fall off their wagon of life, many times not able to recover again. This post is particularly for them, who have lost all hope in their life. Hang in there! There is a tunnel called the 'dark night of the Soul' and there is indeed light after you make it through the tunnel. As I went through it, today I am able to help a few Souls on Quora or in real life, who are living a life where they are struggling to find meaning.
 |
| Who am I? (Was searching for an apt snap, and this came up! What can I say! I bow to Thee!) Image courtesy - Pixabay.com |
Remember, this life as a human being is a very precious gift graced by the divine, which is the only existence on this Earth realm, where a person can contemplate, think about themselves, and become Self-aware. No other life, whether of a cat, dog, lion, tiger or even a chimpanzee can reach the highest levels of Self-awareness. Only a human can. So, hang in there! You will eventually figure it out!
Next, week, in the 'Who am I' series, how the tunnel led me to the next stage of figuring out who truly 'am I'. Hope this post would be a matchstick for a few Souls who are in the middle of a 'Dark night of the Soul' and find the tunnel really dark, long, and pitch black. You would be truly amazed at what lies at the other end of the tunnel! My true empathies are with you! Let the divine lead you to your own beautiful light of knowledge!
I wish you a good weekend and I'll see you next Friday!😉
Next week: Who am I? - Part 5
Note: Images from Pixabay.com
Ralph Waldo Emerson writes, "There is a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance ; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better for worse as his portion that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried".
All rights reserved to Jayasree Padmanabhan and SwaroopaBlog.
To my Blog readers: As all of you know, the European Union has passed laws regarding the collection of the user data. This is just to inform all my EU blog readers, I just use Google Analytics, which Google provides, to look at from where readers are reading my blogs. I also use Specific feeds to use their service for subscription list. I don't collect or intend to collect user data to sell or provide to third-party applications. Regards,
SwaroopaBlog.
Disclaimer: This is a personal blog. The opinions and perspectives shared here are that of the author/owner only. Even though the author/owner will try to research well before posting the information, the author/owner of this blog does not make any portrayal of the accuracy or correctness of the content on this blog or the links provided. The author/owner will not be liable for any omissions or inaccuracies occurred. The author/owner will not be liable for any damages or losses due to the use or display of this blog. These terms and conditions can change at any time.
This blog is purely for informational purposes only.
©Jayasree Padmanabhan and Swaroopa, 2017- Eternity
This blog is purely for informational purposes only.
©Jayasree Padmanabhan and Swaroopa, 2017- Eternity
Comments
Post a Comment
Give an opinion! Post a comment! Ask for a topic!